Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Selling Out

Joy of joy! Littlejohn carps on about the imprisoned sailors selling their stories:

“Any doubt from which the sailors and marines may have benefited went out of the window the moment some of them sold their stories - although honourable mention must go to those who didn't.”

Why? Precisely, why? Are the stories of the sailors not interesting? Are they not, as long as they do not reveal operational issues or plans for the Navy, of national interest? And has The Daily Hate never bought someone’s story?

“The Ministry of Defence's complicity in this tawdry horror show is treasonable. But it's pretty much what we have come to expect from Blair's Brave New Britain.”

The MOD hasn’t cover itself in glory, but then again it hasn’t done since the Invasion of Iraq and arguably long before then. But treasonable? Littlejohn needs to go find a dictionary and learn what treason actually is. And in fairness, this is actually a bit of a departure for Nu Labour. They are allowing freedom of speech. Normally they are opposed to that totally.

“She was the People's Prisoner.”

Yep, prisoner of the people of Iran.

“How long before the ludicrous Faye Turney pops up on Celebrity Fat Club? I bet they didn't let her get in the dinghy first. This is a woman who is capable of capsizing the Ark Royal if she shifts her weight to the wrong cheek.”

Now I thought that Turney’s sin, in the jaundiced eyes of Littlejohn, was selling her story. The fact that she may be carrying a couple of extra pounds is magnificently irrelevant to Littlejohn’s argument. But I am guess that a couple of cheap shots about her girth is much easier for Littlejohn than forming a cogent, coherent and interesting argument.

“Starring Bernard Bresslaw as Ayatollah I'madinnerjacket and featuring lots of doubles entendres about leading seamen.”

Ok, I have made the I’madinnerjacket jibe as well. In private rather than in the pages of a national newspaper, though. But whatever you may think of Ahmadinejad (who is President rather than Ayatollah) he cannot take any of the blame for Turney selling her story. Which I thought was Littlejohn’s problem…

“The part of the pathetic young sailor who said he sobbed for three days because the Iranians called him Mr Bean would be perfect for Charles Hawtrey.”

The young sailor in question was captured whilst patrolling the seas in an occupied but hostile country. His captors were far better armed and as a result he and his comrades did not dare to fight back. He was then imprisoned in an even more hostile regime than the one he had been patrolling, and told he was potentially facing the death penalty for espionage. Put yourself in his shoes, and ask yourself whether you would be sobbing, Littlejohn. I am guessing in these circumstances you would conduct yourself with even less decorum, and most probably shit your pants.

“Faye Turney will be back in Civvy Street before the end of the year and the Navy will be staring down the barrel of a seven-figure suit for com-pensayshun because of all the 'stress' she has suffered.”

Right, so having taken a pop at her for selling her story and then for consuming too many pastry based products, he now has a go at her for stuff that she may do in the future. Christ, this poor woman doesn’t stand a chance! And whilst I wouldn’t support her claim for compensation I would argue that she probably did have a bit of a stressful time during her stay in Iran. It wasn’t really a holiday, Littlejohn, Ahmandinejad was being provocative when he said that. They were kidnapped. They were hostages. And they were subjected to psychological torture. I am going to let them get away with being a bit stressed.

“I've never set out to diminish the horrible ordeal of the former captives.”

Erm, read your article Littlejohn (like your editor should have done). You have done nothing but diminish their ordeal – see the Mr Bean comment etc etc ad fucking nauseam.

“The day Faye Turney sold her story to The Sun and Tonight With Trevor McDonald was the day the Navy died of shame.”

As far as I am aware the Navy is still alive and well. It will take much more than Turney selling her story to destroy the Royal Navy.

“We have become the kind of nation where the highest form of duty is to emote on prime-time TV.”

No we haven’t. There is not a shred of evidence to back this up. Those who whore themselves out on TV are treated with the contempt they deserve by most right thinking people.

“We may like to think of the First Sea Lord as a Jack Hawkins figure standing ramrod straight on the bridge, but my guess is that he's just another New Labour apparatchik straight from the Guardian school of government, with a degree from the Alastair Campbell college of news management.”

I think of the First Sea Lord as a tough professional doing a tough job in tough times. And with the kidnap of 15 of his sailors by an unpredictable and sometimes violent regime, I would imagine his job got exponentially tougher over the past few weeks.

“In my study, there's a photo of my dad, aged about 19, in his Royal Navy uniform. I never found out what he did in World War II until shortly before he died.”

The fact that Littlejohn has family photos is only a revelation to people like me, who believe he is the spawn of Satan and a wolf. But Littlejohn still has further points to make:

“Unlike Del Boy's Uncle Albert, most of my father's generation didn't talk about their wartime escapades.”

A gross generalisation no doubt cited in this article to give Littlejohn the chance to mentioned Only Fools and Horses (no doubt the "people’s programme").

“I never thought I'd say this, but as I sit and watch this demeaning spectacle unfold, as British sailors cash in on a couple of weeks of discomfort like kiss'n'tell call girls, I'm glad he's not around to see it.”

What an ignorant cock. Littlejohn has no idea what those sailors went through, and from the cushy surroundings of his study bought with the ill gotten gains of spouting shite for The Daily Hate, it is highly unlikely he ever will. These sailors were not right to sell their stories, but they had permission from their seniors. To belittle their ordeal and to make cheap shots at them is knuckle dragging idiocy.

So I am going to make a suggestion here. I am going to start a petition to have Littlejohn dumped in the water around Iran, where (if the best case scenario doesn't happen and he avoids drowning) his “I’madinnerjacket” comments are going to be less than 100% popular. And when (or if) he emerges from an Iranian prison, I am going to time how long it takes him to sell his story. I would be surprised if he didn’t, under these circumstances, dictate his story to the News of the Screws on the flight back to the UK.


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