Jamie Oliver wants shooting.

He unveils his "manifesto" in yesterday's News of the Screws. Quite why this slack jawed, ignorant mockney has been given two pages to talk about his political thoughts is totally beyond me, and his thoughts and opinions reveal just how little he knows about politics and also offers a very good argument for those who think free speech should be a privilige rather than a right.

Let's take a look:

"HE'S famous for his no-nonsense approach to cooking...and now Jamie Oliver has come up with a red-hot recipe for a better Britain."

He's famous for being famous if you ask me. Other TV chefs seem to have at least an iota of skill in the kitchen. He just seems to make basic food in an irritating way.

"The TV chef—who became an icon of change through his school dinners campaign—has added a dollop of realism, saying the country needs a shake-up."

Clement Attlee is an icon of change. Ditto Margeret Thatcher. How about Nelson Mandela?Jamie Oliver is an icon of the talentless - an icon of the Big Brother generation. Living proof that anyone can be a celebrity if they are willing to be a media whore.

"The 31-year-old employs disadvantaged youngsters at his Fifteen restaurants and has seen first hand the problems they face."

Great. Fuck-a-doodle-do. That's fifteen disadvantaged kids taken care of. Not being funny, but I get the impression that there are slightly more than fifteen disadvantaged kids in the UK.

"Here's his 20-point plan in full..."

Oh goody. *Can't wait*.

"TACKLE CRIME
Problems often start at home with youngsters simply not having enough to do outside school hours. There should be better funding and a total review of how kids spend their time.There are areas in many cities where the police wouldn't dare go unless they were in large numbers. Just imagine what it's like living there as kids."

Well, I would imagine it is tough living there as a kid. But I'm not sure about the logic here. Oliver, in his finite (or limited) wisdom seems to be suggesting that there is a direct link between youngsters and crime. Sure, kids do commit crimes. But so do adults. If you are going to tackle crime, then you need to address both juvenile and adult crime. And Oliver totally fails to say to say how he is going to stop some areas being no-go zones for the police. I defy you, Oliver, to find me one politician who doesn't want to reduce crime. The difference between you and them is they often come up with ideas of how to cut crime. An aspiration is not a policy.

"WELCOME IMMIGRANTS
They are a profitable part of this country, and I'm proud to live in a multi-cultural England. If it wasn't for the Polish in the last few years, many factories would have gone bankrupt and half the buildings in our cities wouldn't be built."

Yes, very true. Immigrants are a source of cheap labour for shitty jobs that people in the UK don't want. I am perfectly happy to welcome immigrants who can contribute something to the UK economy. Like most people, it is the illegal immigrants who I have an issue with. And don't want to welcome to this country.

"BENEFITS
I think people should show they care about the country and want to be part of the community before getting all their benefits."

So as long as you are patriotic you can be a lazy bastard then? Jamie, you utter wanker, benefits should only exist for people who cannot survive any other way. Benefits represent a safety net for people in this country. If you want people to earn benefits, then the basic requirement should be a willingness to find work. Forget being part of a community, if you need to claim benefits you should be aspiring to find a way to get off benefits. And the best way to that would be to make working more profitable than claiming benefits. Either through reducing taxes of reducing benefit levels.

Now, see what I did there, Jamie? I offered a suggestion on how benefits could be changed for the better. One of the things about a manifesto is that it should offer ways of doing things. Not just trot out trite truisms.

"CUT POWERS
Having the guts to look at things in a non-political way is vital. I don't reckon healthcare, schooling and transport should be ruled by government."

Who should run them, then, Jamie? Are you seriously talking about privatising healthcare, schooling and transport? Because if you are, you are on the far right of my party. And you are not going to be popular with the electorate as a whole.

"TROOPS
Stop wasting our time fighting other people's wars. Now we're part of the EU there's no need for a massive Army. If we halved our troops the spare resources could help fight crime."

If memory serves, the EU doesn't have an army. And international forces tend to be made up of national armies. So in order to contribute to international peace-keeping forces, we would need to have an army. Also, if you halve the army, what are you going to do with all the people you are making unemployed? As Thatcher proved so well with the Miner's Strike, making large numbers of people unemployed without any idea of how they are going to find work is never popular.

This is a bit of populism based around the Iraq war - jumping on the fashionable ant-war movement. Which is fair enough, I suppose, but I would point out that the Iraq War is our war. We started it. With the Americans, we went to a sovereign nation, invaded them, and started the war. Regardless of whether it was right or wrong to start that war, it is one hundred percent our war.

"KEEP IT REAL
If I had my own department I'd let my senior team run it and have six months in the field listening to the public so you can make intelligent, informed decisions."

People who say "keep it real" wanted slapping in the face. And I would rather have politicians in this country trying to run their departments than wandering around chatting with local people. Not least because often talking to the public is not the best way to make "intelligent, informed decisions".

"RECYCLING
We've got one of the worst recycling records in the EU although things are changing (albeit I'm still waiting for my recycling bin!) If you buy loads of packaging then it's your responsibility to sort out disposing it sensibly."

Again, what is your policy? This is nothing other than an observation. I know it is my responsibility to look after recycling my trash. The fact that you have noticed that as well means nothing, Jamie. Nothing at all.

"EXPERTS
When I started looking into school dinners there wasn't anybody high up with a history of catering. Most of the people who have the answers aren't politicians, they're experts, and I think they're vital in government."

Frankly I am glad that there is no-one high up in government with a catering background because, based on what you're saying, Jamie, people with a catering background talk total arse.

"SEE IT THROUGH
I'm bloody proud of what we did with school dinners and I'm going to babysit it for ever."

Well, get on with baby-sitting it then and stop pontificating on Politics. And I'm not surprised you are so proud of what you did with school dinners. I doubt you will achieve fuck all else with your life.

"SCHOOLS
I believe in comprehensive education. A mixture of ethnic minorities and social classes is really important. I think our primary schools are fantastic too."

Well, this is a bleeding revelation, isn't it? Apparently, schools are good. This bit of ideology will see Oliver ranked with the great political thinkers. "Schools are good" - groundbreaking stuff, on a par with the great works of Aristotle, Locke, Burke, Marx and Hayek. "Schools are good" - Jamie, you have guaranteed your place in history with this statement. Note for the future, Jamie - the bleeding obvious does not have to be stated. Because it is bleeding obvious.

"SPORT
This should be such an important part of our kids' schooling, just like in Australia. I think it's about time we took it more seriously. Stop building on playing fields and make sport compulsory."

I thought sport was compulsory?!?

"LESSON CHOICES
I think education should incorporate sport and life skills. I'll probably get my a*se whooped by the science dudes for it. But I believe there should be enough choice for people to excel."

Science dudes? Oh, Christ, who are you trying to impress by using the word "dudes"? And there is choice at schools. I dropped science after GCSE, because I excelled at other subjects. It is not a policy to state something that happens anyway.

"TEACH KIDS TO COOK
I've just been to Melbourne to open my new Fifteen restaurant and Stephanie Alexander—a bit like Delia—is concentrating on a charity to put kitchens and gardens in primary schools. Through growing food and cooking, nippers also learn numeracy, spelling, chemistry...it's a wicked idea."

"Wicked" in that context went out of fashion in 1989, Jamie. And teaching kids Maths, English and Chemistry is a great wat to teach numeracy, spelling and, well, chemistry. I'm all for cooking being taught in schools, but as a minor supplement to more useful subjects.

"HOSPITAL GRUB
Food in hospitals is more urgent than schools. Good quality tucker is crucial for the sick. I thought when we'd got it sorted in schools it would translate across the board. I'm hoping it still will."

"Grub"? "Good Quality Tucker"? Your terrible attempts at being a cockney sicken me, Oliver. And you may notice there is a difference between hospitals and schools. Just because you got some schools to provide more healthy food doesn't mean the NHS - a massive, failing bureacracy - is going to go "oh, maybe we should improve our food as well".

"QUALITY NOSH
It's harder to get the good stuff to the kids who need it most. It's largely class bound. You can buy a Shepherd's pie from a cheapo place and you can bet there will be more rubbish in it than one from Waitrose or Sainsbury's."

Again, "Nosh?" Fuck off, you mockney wanker. What is going to be your policy here? You're going to force Sainsbury's to build a store in every rundown area? Genius. That will work *so well*. I used to work for a Supermarket chain, and, as surprising as this might seem, they actually do market research on the best places to set up their stores. And if Sainsbury's has decided not to set up a store in a poor area, it is probably for a good reason. Like the fact that the local people cannot afford those products. So you either need to force the supermarkets to reduce their prices, or raise the incomes of the poor/less prosperous. Which is a tough sell, as both reek of communism.

"AND FINALLY...
I'm still banging the drum on school dinners because more needs doing. The government is planning dinner ladies' training schools. Brilliant! But many schools have kitchens that are falling down. Tony Blair's the only one who's done anything. So come on Tiger, let's carry on the good work."

I am despairing of the thought of the government pissing away more of my taxes on dinner lady training schools, all in a publicity stunt to keep a gobby TV chef happy. Tony Blair is the only one who has done anything, because he is the only person who has been in power since you started your little crusade. And "come on Tiger" - how homo-erotic is that? Is there something you are not telling us about your special relationship with Tony? Or are you just so naive that you think someone as self important and ego driven as Blair would respond well to being called Tiger by someone who became famous for a series of rubbish adverts for Sainsbury's.

Jamie, go back to whatever it is you are good at. Because judging by your manifesto, it certainly isn't Politics.